Operating Purely on Muscle Memory

The drug was working, I beleive. Then the mail-order company screwed up and didn't overnight my meds. So it's been three days without and I can tell the difference. I just read online that w/some medications, once you go off it's never the same. Oh, wow, do I hope that's not true in this case. I really was feeling a LOT better and was enjoying being light and more uninvolved in other people's drama.
I call it my "meds" - sounds like I'm psychotic and need to be controlled. FUN!
I was going to write about something interesting, then I got to fooling with the format of the blog, and actually read through the last post and then...when I finally hit the post new blog button, the steam had worn off. I just keep forgetting that this is here. Plus, work has been pretty busy lately. Except today. Everyone's busy but me. So I feel like going home, maybe watching War of the Worlds - I used to really love watching movies by myself. But since the move, it feels like I'm always alone. Not when I'm home, but when I am at work. Having an office is really isolating. Well, that's where I am now. Isolated and at work and bored. Curious how boredom at work causes great anxiety. Boredom at home inspires either a change of location or a nap.
I could use a nap.
Why can't I just leave now? No one is watching for me, no one will notice. But I don't want to watch the movie by myself. And there's nothing to do at home but be bored on the couch with the stupid TV. I have no car, so I can't go to Target, either. We're out of toilet paper. And frozen lunch meals. Hmm.
I read this book and there's this partial quote I am trying to memorize:

I beleive that I am meeting people, shaking their hands, but I have left my body and am operating purely on muscle memory.

I like that bolded part. Before I started taking the anti-depressant I felt like that ALL the time. Like, I can feel myself looking out of my eye sockets and it's like I'm watching a movie or TV show. I'm not connected. Not connected to my body or to what's going on outside of my head.
I am withdrawn and tired. Yet I still think that life is amazing. Is that contradictory? I thought that if you were depressed that you didn't really feel things and you couldn't care less about anything. Jonah is severely depressed and thinks that "Life sucks." He really does, and he beleives it. I try to explain that it's not life that sucks, but the situations we get ourselves into. And, even if we aren't really responsible for what's going on in our lives, we are responsible for changing it. You can't just wallow in feeling like everything is awful. Where's that going to get you?
Feeling worse, I'm sure.

Wellbutrin

I've been prescribed this drug and we'll see how it goes. I've never taken anything and feel strange about it. I'd like nothing to be wrong, of course, and feel a little bit disappointed that I'm going to resort to this. But I'm not myself and can't seem to change what's going on in my life - which is what is leading to this depression, of course. So, I think I'll try this out. Maybe it'll give me the courage to face things I need to face. I'll start on it tomorrow morning. She gave me a very low dosage, so I doubt it'll work this first round. She gave me a month's worth of pills. Anyhow. Strange to be posting this on the internet, but since it's not going to be interesting, and I have no intention of anyone reading it, I'll write under the delusion that this is completely private. I can't write on paper and keep up with my thoughts as fast as I can when I type, and I don't trust leaving private thoughts on my computer... Strange how the internet seems to me to be a place most completely safe. Though maybe not so strange. And then I'll see if this is like my childhood efforts at a diary. When I would read the entries later I would feel embarrassed. Maybe this will only be therapeutic and I won't need or want to read any of the old posts.
Spellcheck said I only had one spelling mistake. I blame a bad spellchecker if I have any others. I'm not going to read through this to check.